Living in Detroit

(pics here now)

I am only here for a few days before I head off to Brazil, but I feel like I have a bit of culture shock…in more ways than one. I packed up my apartment, put everything into storage….a 10 x 25 place that is pretty full (even with my pruning I still have a lot of ish… and turned in the keys. So now I have been driving around Detroit….south-eastern Michigan more specifically…as I spent Friday and Saturday in Ferndale, Madison Heights, Royal Oak, and other suburban cities. I want to reacclimate myself to this place that I will call home for the next year…but I feel so alien. Part of it is cause the area has changed a lot in four years. Not that I have not been back home on occasion, but visiting for 2-3 days once a month does not give you the flavor of an area. The "for sale" and "for rent" signs are rampant in the burbs, as are the empty storefronts. Even in tony places like Birmingham you see empty homes….empty strip malls in Royal Oak.

One interesting and cool thing that I noticed was in Oakland Mall. Growing up, Oakland Mall was one of "those" suburban malls where black folk weren't looked at too kindly. Over the years it got more comfortable to be there, and it was better than Northland which had been overrun by teenagers and gaudy, ghetto-fab shops (which I was all into during my younger years). I went to Oakland on Saturday to get my eyebrows arched and a pedicure (special treats for me with my doctoral student time and financial restrictions). There were Middle Eastern people (possibly Chaldean), Muslims, Indians, black folk, white folk, Latinos, Asians…j

ust an extremely diverse crowd. Now, for the most part, people were with their "own kind" but I did notice a black teenage girl handing with her ???Latino??? or Middle Eastern friend (she may have been bi-racial)….they looked like they were into the skater scene…tres cool! I saw two interracial couples….both black men, one with a white woman and one with a Asian woman. A few groups of teenagers were multiracial…and this one white g

uy with locks and some interesting get-up was walking around the mall barefoot….I wish I could of gotten a picture…evidently it is not against the rules to walk around barefoot cause he passed the security guard and the guard (a black man) did not even blink an eye…yes I was doing a lot of people watching at the mall today…I find malls to be excellent places to just sit and observe…

I felt a bit of role reversal on Saturday as well…many of my friends and family know that I am extremely pro-nappy, and have been since 1994. Well, on Friday I went to a salon and came out looking like this…

(sorry...pic later...just imagine me with straight hair...I look like a mix between Gabrielle Union and Queen Latifah)

***Here are the pics...see the resemblance....okay, maybe not***

Many folks who have only gotten to know me in the past few years may be shocked, but the reality is, I am not anti-straight hair…not 100%, and I have been known to straighten on occasion. I actually got into a bit of a heated discussion with my hairdresser about the merits of and problems with water and heat when it comes to black hair. I decided to slow my row since I WAS paying her to straighten my hair, so I couldn't quite argue that pressing combs were the debbil….so, I had my hair straightened, mainly so I could wear a stretched braid-out and to let my hair gradually kink back up….I prefer my hair bigger and curly; flat and straight doesn't feel like "me".

So I go run errands on Saturday, and it was interesting how people related to me! The girl that did my eyebrows tried to engage me in a convo about the high price of hair weaves…I had to tell her that I had no idea what she was talking about. She later let me know that I had the type of hair women are paying for…like baby doll hair, she said…. I think I did say thank you in response to all of the complements she gave me, but I did feel a bit uneasy (I try, as a rule, to NOT say thank you to statements like, oh your hair is so long, curly, nice texture, etc….but WILL say thank you to statements like…your hair is pretty….the personal is so political when it comes to black hair)

As I left the mall I crossed paths with this sister with long, semi-manicured locks…I usually am able to catch a fellow nappies' eye, but she averted her glance….

Later I sat in a restaurant near two older black women. One was a natural (small fro) and another had this short curly thing going on (not sure if it was natural or natural-esque). I attempted to catch their eyes and smile, but they, too, did not look my way. Now, I usually smile at black folk, particularly black women (I smile at other folks too, but my black liberation days have conditioned me to smile at sistern and brethern). I really felt as though they were shunning me cause I was not "one of them". Now, of course, I have no idea what they were thinking or not thinking regarding me, but I know that hair gives people impressions of you. I am used to my hair saying certain things about me, whether or not they are true. I kind of like the image that people have of me…the earthy, intellectual, conscious. I don't care for people classifying me as militant or racially intolerant (most people in real life know that is SOOOO far from the truth). I like the black aesthetic and I like the culture that I come from and the global African diasporan culture. Wearing my hair straight has been a culture shock for me….first, I do like it…somewhat. Second, I feel really guilty for liking it. Third, I don't like the way I felt alienated from sistas simply because of my hair. Fourth, I wonder if women who wear their hair straight feel alienated when around natural sistas? Now I know the answer to that; many do, cause many of US (natural sistas) do have preconceived notions of women who straighten their hair. This hair thing is deep and I am sure it will be revisted later, since hair is a mini-obsession of mine. Its late though, and I need to get up early so I can go to the Detroit Flower Show!!! Will blog later...

One week left, on being ABD, and a 12 year veteran...

Twelve Years
Well, maybe more like 10 or 11 years....this is my 10th Mother's Day as an actual mother! I can't believe it sometimes how fast time flies...I mean, while it doesn't seem like just yesterday that I was bringing F. home, it also doesn't seem like I should really be the mom of an 11 year old...in 6 or so years he will be off to college and I will be an empty nester (maybe). But in the interim, I have the most challenging years ahead....the teenage years! I am somewhat looking forward to it...I already enjoy the fact that I can now talk to him about social issues, religion, and life in general in a way that I couldn't years before (well, I did, but I am not sure he understood everything at 8.....not sure he understands it all now....or if I even do...). A little part of me is even considering a small run at a boarding school (didn't Barack go to boarding school for a bit?...maybe not, but still...). I want to give him some really unique experiences...the most unique (for a young African American urban male of a single mom) is the opportunity to live HERE for 3 months......

Barra area of Salvador da Bahia, Brazil

Which leads me to....

One Week Left

So right now I am packing things up for storage and packing our suitcases to leave. I have vowed that we will each get one suitcase for clothes, we will have one suitcase for household necessities, like my hair products, my skin care products, my yoga equipment....you know, necessities like that. One suitcase will be for my research stuff (since I am supposed to be doing work down there) and then backpacks and a carry on bag....as I am writing this I am thinking that maybe we will not need backpacks AND carry ons....if we pack right. So I feel that I am on target for getting us set by Wednesday when the movers come (I tried to solicit help from all the *ahem* men I know....to no avail....guess I should of played nice with the exes...so daddy dear offered to chip in for movers (I wonder if the fact that, at my old age, I am still a daddy's girl is one of the reasons why I'm still single). So my home looks like this now...

In the midst of it all, I still need to finish up grading and stuff for my class, write a couple of letters of recommendation, and file some paperwork, cause as of May 7th, I am.....

ABD!!!! (All But Dissertation)
I am only going to allow myself to celebrate that for about a week or so more, cause it is not a place to get stuck at, but, darn it, its been four years in the making! The process has been slow, but steady, with no major bumps in the road, so for that I am greatful. Now I have to really forge ahead and not get sidetracked in Brazil or once I return home to Detroit. It'll be different doing my work away from campus, but I am hoping that the change of scenery will do F. and I both some good. I intend to work really hard M-F and then have a social life on the weekends. I am not planning on running the streets all the time, but I just want some balance in my life, balance that has been missing these last four years. Again, university had been real good to me, but it is just time to go home and finish. The goal is one year from now!!!! In the meantime, I've got a lot to keep me busy...back to work.....

Fulbright Limbo

So today I finally got notice about my Fulbright DDRA application. I am an alternate. That means that if an awardee declines the fellowship or if the program gets more money, then I may get the award, depending on where I am on the alternate list. So I am still not 100% sure if I am going to be in Brazil for 3 months or 10 months. It looks like a 70% chance of it being 3 months, since about 1/3 of alternates eventually get awards. The funny thing is, this is the story of my life. I have been the alternate on a number of things, McNair /SROP, which changed the course of my life by introducing me to the world of graduate education; my Master's fellowship program that I did not get into at first cause I was too new of a teacher and they wanted seasoned professionals; and now this.

I have a feeling it just might come through. I am going to try to practice not-wanting, a Zen concept. I was actually practicing it until early this morning, when I started actively begging the universe to let me get in and to NOT make me an alternate cause I did not want to continue the uncertainty of the past few months. The universe is a funny place though. I know two things (well hopefully more than two).
1. I would not call it law of attraction, but I do believe in actualizing what you want by speaking it into existence. Maybe just positive thinking, but I do live my life trying to be as positive as possible...I will have to expand on that later, but it works.
2. Vehemently rejecting certain things is a surefire way to get that thing to happen. This is why I know in the back of my mind that I will end up with a child in college and another in diapers. I just know. This is also why I ended up an alternate.

Now of course I don't really know why this or any other situation turned out the way it did. I suppose my mix of beliefs leads me to think of karma and some Divine plan that is going to work out for the best. I have been very successful at turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones...my best works have been born out of turmoil and disappointment. After I was rejected from McNair initially cause of my gpa I worked so hard that I got the highest gpa of my undergrad career the next semester while taking 18 credits (12 is full time). The director of the program called me at home to tell me my grades and to invite me to join the program and the rest is history (thanks Tay!). I enrolled into the Master's program anyway after my initial rejection and was invited to join the cohort by the professors who saw what a promising student I was. They even retroactively paid for my courses that I had paid for out of pocket. And now I am still going to Brazil to do my work, and even if I am "only" there for three months I have already decided that one day I WILL be a Fulbrighter!

And so it is....

I'm Back

Well, I have returned to resurrect this space in preparation for my transition from mid Michigan to SE MI and then Brazil...and then back...I have about 5 weeks or so left, and lots to do. I have been promising to blog about my trip this summer and I think that the best way to keep that promise is to start blogging now. I am still in the process of becoming what I already am, but the neat and orderly girl within me has not manifested herself yet.

Something is happening though. I keep losing and gaining the same five lbs. but I feel like I am finally beginning to love my body. I just decided to really focus on being nurturing to my body, which, while imperfect, is strong and healthy. I am doing a number of practices (more on that later)that are designed to keep me balanced and I just feel a sense of calmness, even in the midst of all the uncertainty and turbulence in my life. I am in a good place, and even if I wake up tomorrow depressed, I know that it will pass...

Enough for now....see you soon...

Novo Ano

My musings today are not in chronological order...I just finished my post meditation reflective reading and the article talked about seva, self-less service. As I read I was thinking, as always, about how I need to look outside of my life and find some way to be of service. But as I continued reading, the interviewee stated that there are many ways to do seva, and many rhythms to seva. I realize that right now, the best seva that I can do is to continue along my path of organizing my life, continue to study the spiritual and social justice issues that I am studying, and continue to teach my students and those around me, using the skills and knowledge that I am acquiring. I am so lucky to teach future teachers...I get to somehow impact the lives of folk who will impact countless young people in the future. This is service. This is my path.

Well of course all of this renewed reflection comes from me having a wonderful New Year's Eve / New Year's Day experience. I traveled from my home to "A squared", which is about an hour away. There was a Zen temple that was having an New Year's Eve service. I contemplated going and not going for a while, but finally decided to go. I was really fearful of going cause I did not know what to expect, but once I realized that the only thing holding me back was fear, I knew I had to go. One positive thing that I can say about myself is that I am brave. I feel no shame in acknowledging fear, but I push on anyway! That makes me feel good; to know that I am brave!

So I went and got to partake in a beautiful ceremony where we burned our defilements (listed our bad habits on a sheet of paper and ritualistically burned them), we lit our lights, we meditated, listened to music, sang, and chanted ( I was not totally comfortable with the chanting, but I am warming up to it). There are so many things that I could write about concerning this experience, from the engaging in spiritual practice with non-black people, to the similarity of this experience to some of my other favorite spiritual rituals, to the great people that I hung out with afterward. I will say that I appreciated the kindness of Joe Reilly, a young musician that I had heard of but never met before last night. His music nearly brought me to tears and his spirit was just so warm and inviting...plus he was the first man to lead a car caravan without losing half of the followers! That was major in my book! I plan on buying his music in the future just to support his work and to gain some...I don't know....something from it myself. It was just so great to meet other people, face to face, that are walking similar paths....I just need to do more to seek these folk out. Happy New Year!!!

Work space before and during

For years I have had this huge work desk / bookshelf combo that I have wanted to get rid of...I kept it because the guy that put it together for me had passed (r.i.p. Major Kokayi). But I finally realized, after reading and watching decluttering experts, that holding on to objects simply because of memories was not a good thing. Its funny how you can hear the same thing over and over and never apply it to your life, then one day it just clicks....this has happened to me in so many aspects of my life....you have to be at a place where you are ready to internalize the lesson....

Anyway, back to the work area. I don't have any good before pics except for the ones that I took for my hair shots....where here is one with my son in the foreground...

Okay, let me just say, the pots and pans are on the floor cause I was getting ready to give those away....the shoes are always at the door, as is the bike.... student apartment living, gotta love it!

Here you can see the top part of the work area...it was actually pretty nice looking, just not right for the small space. My tastes have changed, as have my needs, and I found that the more shelves and flat area I had, the more I felt that I had to keep. And I had nowhere to spread out my books, articles, and the like when writing papers (unless I used the dining room table). I just needed to rework that area so....

I took the credenza off of the desk part (well, I guess it was more of an armoire / cabinent). So now the desk part looks like this:

I moved the dining room table back to the dining area (not next to the t.v.) and it looks like...

Z. and I have actually been eating there! It's fun, you should try it! Oh, and the cabinet? Well, I got it as far as outside the door, but I can't get it down the stairs. And we had two winter storms, so now....

Now if I can dig my way out of my front door....

I might try to throw some more stuff in the trash/ recycling / give away bins....the ones not covered in snow, that is....

Viva na paz!

For real though, enough is enough!

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin

So the end of the semester and the year is upon me. I have renewed my effort to get things in order and I feel that I am well on my way. I have commited myself to documenting the various aspects of my journey...a way of keeping myself honest, I suppose. Now I know I said that I would start doing all of this homemade cleaning and beauty stuff, and I have actually done a few things. But I have not gone full force ahead, because of one simple thing. I live in a mess of an apartment, and I have lived in messy apartments most of my adult life. It pains me to say that, but it is true. They say admitting a problem is the first step. Well, for many years I would not admit that it was a problem...for many years I did not see it as a problem. I mean, didn't everyone tell their guests to just sit on the books covering the couch? Why wouldn't I have 10 sets of bedding for a household of two? 60 pairs of shoes for a woman who isn't even "into" shoes (I am, however, a bag lady); what is the problem with that?

I did not feel that the amount of stuff I have was too big of a problem, but now it has become stifling, stressful, overwhelming, and it impacts not just my life, but my son's life. Like most major changes I have made in my life, seeing how things impact Z. is what is pushing me into action. I want to live a simpler, more fufilling life, and that starts with letting go of the things that keep us down. Below are some "before" pics of various rooms in our apartment, and I will be adding pics as we work through our space....stay tuned! Oh, and please don't be shocked by what you see....it looks bad, like a before on Clean House, but some of this is after I started pulling things out of the closets for sorting.....for real though!!!

This is my living room area.

The "dining area" where noone but me sits and eats...while watching tv and surfing the Internet.

Another view of my living room area...has potential, right?