Fulbright Limbo

So today I finally got notice about my Fulbright DDRA application. I am an alternate. That means that if an awardee declines the fellowship or if the program gets more money, then I may get the award, depending on where I am on the alternate list. So I am still not 100% sure if I am going to be in Brazil for 3 months or 10 months. It looks like a 70% chance of it being 3 months, since about 1/3 of alternates eventually get awards. The funny thing is, this is the story of my life. I have been the alternate on a number of things, McNair /SROP, which changed the course of my life by introducing me to the world of graduate education; my Master's fellowship program that I did not get into at first cause I was too new of a teacher and they wanted seasoned professionals; and now this.

I have a feeling it just might come through. I am going to try to practice not-wanting, a Zen concept. I was actually practicing it until early this morning, when I started actively begging the universe to let me get in and to NOT make me an alternate cause I did not want to continue the uncertainty of the past few months. The universe is a funny place though. I know two things (well hopefully more than two).
1. I would not call it law of attraction, but I do believe in actualizing what you want by speaking it into existence. Maybe just positive thinking, but I do live my life trying to be as positive as possible...I will have to expand on that later, but it works.
2. Vehemently rejecting certain things is a surefire way to get that thing to happen. This is why I know in the back of my mind that I will end up with a child in college and another in diapers. I just know. This is also why I ended up an alternate.

Now of course I don't really know why this or any other situation turned out the way it did. I suppose my mix of beliefs leads me to think of karma and some Divine plan that is going to work out for the best. I have been very successful at turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones...my best works have been born out of turmoil and disappointment. After I was rejected from McNair initially cause of my gpa I worked so hard that I got the highest gpa of my undergrad career the next semester while taking 18 credits (12 is full time). The director of the program called me at home to tell me my grades and to invite me to join the program and the rest is history (thanks Tay!). I enrolled into the Master's program anyway after my initial rejection and was invited to join the cohort by the professors who saw what a promising student I was. They even retroactively paid for my courses that I had paid for out of pocket. And now I am still going to Brazil to do my work, and even if I am "only" there for three months I have already decided that one day I WILL be a Fulbrighter!

And so it is....

Novo Ano

My musings today are not in chronological order...I just finished my post meditation reflective reading and the article talked about seva, self-less service. As I read I was thinking, as always, about how I need to look outside of my life and find some way to be of service. But as I continued reading, the interviewee stated that there are many ways to do seva, and many rhythms to seva. I realize that right now, the best seva that I can do is to continue along my path of organizing my life, continue to study the spiritual and social justice issues that I am studying, and continue to teach my students and those around me, using the skills and knowledge that I am acquiring. I am so lucky to teach future teachers...I get to somehow impact the lives of folk who will impact countless young people in the future. This is service. This is my path.

Well of course all of this renewed reflection comes from me having a wonderful New Year's Eve / New Year's Day experience. I traveled from my home to "A squared", which is about an hour away. There was a Zen temple that was having an New Year's Eve service. I contemplated going and not going for a while, but finally decided to go. I was really fearful of going cause I did not know what to expect, but once I realized that the only thing holding me back was fear, I knew I had to go. One positive thing that I can say about myself is that I am brave. I feel no shame in acknowledging fear, but I push on anyway! That makes me feel good; to know that I am brave!

So I went and got to partake in a beautiful ceremony where we burned our defilements (listed our bad habits on a sheet of paper and ritualistically burned them), we lit our lights, we meditated, listened to music, sang, and chanted ( I was not totally comfortable with the chanting, but I am warming up to it). There are so many things that I could write about concerning this experience, from the engaging in spiritual practice with non-black people, to the similarity of this experience to some of my other favorite spiritual rituals, to the great people that I hung out with afterward. I will say that I appreciated the kindness of Joe Reilly, a young musician that I had heard of but never met before last night. His music nearly brought me to tears and his spirit was just so warm and inviting...plus he was the first man to lead a car caravan without losing half of the followers! That was major in my book! I plan on buying his music in the future just to support his work and to gain some...I don't know....something from it myself. It was just so great to meet other people, face to face, that are walking similar paths....I just need to do more to seek these folk out. Happy New Year!!!

Checking In

I have been thinking a lot about this blog and wanting to write, but just not doing it. I have so much in my head that I just need to get out and then elaborate on later. I need to write that essay "Who are My People?" That weekend was an eye opener, and needs to be chronicled. I also need to write about what happens to me when I read about colorism and beauty ideals...something is going on there...so those will be revisted.

Disipline is the word of the day. I am ready to embark upon some new practices, and my goal (if I am supposed to have one) is to be disiplined. I have to be careful about what I eat now since I have to stop running for a while. My knees are acting up, and while I know this too shall pass, it has been frustrating...I get runner's high, not walker's high! But it is okay, cause my long term goal is a healthy body that functions well....and to no longer be overweight. I only have to lose 10 lbs. to get out of the "overweight" category...so by year's end, most def!

The vegetarian transition is going well. I have had some chicken this week, but for the most part, all veggie! I do eat eggs, cheese, and I am not that picky about things seasoned with meat....this is a transition after all!

I bought some Castille soap for the house as well as some apple cider vinegar and some lemon juice. So now, if I ever decide to clean, I have natural products to use, lol!!! I also intend to make some olive oil concoction for my hair. Right now I just use the coconut oil that I have.

I am reading way too many books, so I have to be disiplined and focus on a few (outside of my dissertation work and my teaching load). Thich Nhat Hanh's Miracle of Mindfullness will be read daily to help me with my sitting practice. Being Black will be read to read about Zen from a sista's perspective ( I have three books by black female Buddhists). I also will look at Buddha Mom, and I am making my way through the hip hop feminism anthology Home Girls Make Some Noise just cause....

I have to say that in the future I need to write about Jessica Care Moore, whose newest book comes out in November....I will check in later....

Viva na paz!!