Looking Back and Looking Foward

I saw this on another blog and thought it would be an interesting activity to do so....

20 years ago: 1989: age 13-14

I had just discovered the difference between wannabees and jiggaboos (via Spike Lee's School Daze). Bratty self-hating, I mean, poor, misguided classmates labeled themselves the former and me the latter. I took ownership of my giggaboo-ness and relished in the thought of going to my highly selective college preparatory high school (Yay Renaissance!) and leaving my classmates behind. To be young, gifted, and black!!!

15 years ago: 1994: age 18-19

Sophmore year in college. I discovered Iyanlya Vanzant, Ifa, and natural hair. Cut my apl (arm pit length) straight, relaxed hair off and determined that my beauty went beyond my hair. had a disasterous and (mainly emotionally) abusive relationship that resulted in both the worst semester of my undergraduate academic career and (the next semester) one of the best (dad said to shape up or come home). So I dumped the "zero" and hit the books.

10 years ago: 1999: age 23-24

Finished my post-BA teaching internship. A single mom engaged to my high school sweetheart (not my son's father). Trying to fit in the upwardly mobile buppie box, but the revolutionary rebel in me was itching to get out. Ended up breaking up with my fiancee and joining the Shrines of the Black Madonna.

5 years ago: 2004: age 28-29

Master's degree in Library and Information Science under my belt, living on my own terms with my son, working as a school librarian, a job I loved in a place I loved with (some) people that I couldn't stand. Making moves to get into a doctoral program....somewhere. A couple of disasterous relationships...lessons learned....

3 years ago: 2006: age 30-31

In my PhD program, learning that finding a community to connect with can be hard. Feeling happy with my academic life but dissatisfied with my social and personal life.

1 year ago: 2008 age 32-33

Spinning too many plates-field instructor, course instructor, research assistant, while writing a dissertation proposal, fellowship proposals, prepping for part two of my comprhensive exams and battling racist teachers and administrators hell bent on destroying my young black boy. Just reflecting on all of that makes me sick to my stomach... *humming "How I Got Ovah"...notice, no social or personal life mentioned.

Yesterday

Attended a workshop at the local university in Salvador da Bahia. Got a potentially (quality of) life altering proposition, attended the unofficial opening day of a friend's resturant.

Today

Welcomed a houseguest into my home for a few weeks. Worked on a social network site for an international organization. Washed some linens. Planning on going to Pelhourinho. Later going to the official opening day of a friend's restaurant. Calling parents (before they sendEmbassay after me). Making a pro-con list for the aforementioned proposition.

Tomorrow

Going to the beach early. Going grocery shopping. Calling grandma. Practicing Portuguese. Planning my week (including Friday, F's B-day).

In the next 5 years

I will: Finish my degree. Get a university job or another job that is fufilling. Return to the D for some period of time and helping out. Dating, falling in love, getting married and having another child (a girl has to keep hope alive, right?). Helping my son navigate through middle school, high school, and the college selection process (yikes). Traveling more, but finding a place to put down roots.

Novo Ano

My musings today are not in chronological order...I just finished my post meditation reflective reading and the article talked about seva, self-less service. As I read I was thinking, as always, about how I need to look outside of my life and find some way to be of service. But as I continued reading, the interviewee stated that there are many ways to do seva, and many rhythms to seva. I realize that right now, the best seva that I can do is to continue along my path of organizing my life, continue to study the spiritual and social justice issues that I am studying, and continue to teach my students and those around me, using the skills and knowledge that I am acquiring. I am so lucky to teach future teachers...I get to somehow impact the lives of folk who will impact countless young people in the future. This is service. This is my path.

Well of course all of this renewed reflection comes from me having a wonderful New Year's Eve / New Year's Day experience. I traveled from my home to "A squared", which is about an hour away. There was a Zen temple that was having an New Year's Eve service. I contemplated going and not going for a while, but finally decided to go. I was really fearful of going cause I did not know what to expect, but once I realized that the only thing holding me back was fear, I knew I had to go. One positive thing that I can say about myself is that I am brave. I feel no shame in acknowledging fear, but I push on anyway! That makes me feel good; to know that I am brave!

So I went and got to partake in a beautiful ceremony where we burned our defilements (listed our bad habits on a sheet of paper and ritualistically burned them), we lit our lights, we meditated, listened to music, sang, and chanted ( I was not totally comfortable with the chanting, but I am warming up to it). There are so many things that I could write about concerning this experience, from the engaging in spiritual practice with non-black people, to the similarity of this experience to some of my other favorite spiritual rituals, to the great people that I hung out with afterward. I will say that I appreciated the kindness of Joe Reilly, a young musician that I had heard of but never met before last night. His music nearly brought me to tears and his spirit was just so warm and inviting...plus he was the first man to lead a car caravan without losing half of the followers! That was major in my book! I plan on buying his music in the future just to support his work and to gain some...I don't know....something from it myself. It was just so great to meet other people, face to face, that are walking similar paths....I just need to do more to seek these folk out. Happy New Year!!!